Tips for dating poly folks when you’re monogamous

Jul 262012
 

Written by DNGG on the sexuality-focused web magazine Fearless Press, ”A Mono Girl’s Guide to Dating Poly People” is a wonderful collection of tips for monogamous folks navigating the path of dating poly people.

DNGG begins with some background on herself. She has always been open to the concept of non-monogamy, but ultimately decided it wasn’t her style:

To a degree, I took a long, hard look at non-monogamy and decided it wasn’t for me. Poly seemed slightly more reasonable (assuming I could find a partner that believed in polyfidelity and wanted to keep our circle small). However, in the end, monogamy won out due to my personal preferences. The hard part in all of this is there isn’t a great theoretical basis for my decision. I don’t consider non-monogamy immoral. Polyamory isn’t unnatural or something to be scorned. Those options simply don’t work as well as monogamy does for me. I find myself happier when I only need to devote romantic, sexual attention toward one person.

DNGG had not had a huge amount of partners in her time when she happened upon the local kink and BDSM scene. Confronted with an array of alternative relationship structures, she began re-thinking things and dated a poly man for three years.

Having experienced such a relationship and now considering another mono/poly one, DNGG has some excellent tips for working through the “clash of ideologies” that might happen when a monogamous person dates a poly person. Here is tip #2:

Take time to define which aspects of monogamy, non-monogamy, or polyamory are the most important to you and voice them – This may seem like common sense, but many people launch into relationships without first examining what portion of their interactions with others means the most to them. If sex is a deeply emotionally connecting act for you, but your partner sees it as a fun activity that need not involve emotional connectivity, you’re likely to have problems. While you don’t have to share the exact same views, a monogamous person and a polyamorous person that share some basic beliefs (i.e. sex needs to occur within the bounds of emotional connectivity). This means that future conversations can stem from somewhat common ground.

Read all the tips on Fearless Press.

30 things to stop doing to yourself

Jul 202012
 

Sometimes I read a piece that isn’t about non-monogamy, but easily could be. “30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself” is one of those posts. From the self-improvement and productivity blog Marc and Angel Hack Life, this post is about behaviors that may be holding you back from happiness. Here are three particularly good points:

Stop spending time with the wrong people. — Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends . . .

Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you . . .

Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.

Read all 30 suggestions here. There’s also a follow-up called “30 Things to Start Doing for Yourself.”

Multiple parent bill proposed in California

Jul 172012
 

A new California bill proposed by Senator Mark Leno of San Francisco would allow a child to have more than two legal parents. Designed to benefit modern households such as gay couples, surrogacy arrangements, step-parents, adoptive parents, and folks using reproductive techniques that involve multiple people, the bill’s goal is to make the lives of children easier.

Senator Leno first witnessed a shortcoming in the laws when, in 2011, he saw a young girl end up in foster care when her two mothers (her legally married parents) could not care for her. Although the girl had a relationship with her biological father, the court did not have the authority to appoint him as a legal parent.

A bill like this could potentially benefit poly folks. Anne at Life on the Swingset says:

For poly families, this would be a move towards greater legal recognition and protection . . .

Even if the bill passes (and that’s probably a big if), legal parenthood for multiple parents is still at the discretion of the court.  That means that poly families trying to ensure that all parents are legally recognized as such may still face discrimination and skepticism while trying to convince a judge that all three (or four or whatever) of them should be considered parents to the children in the household.  The designation of multiple parents can only be done if it is determined to be in the child’s best interests.  It’s far from a simple and straightforward process.  But for it to be possible at all would be an exciting step forward.

Opponents say this bill will only encourage “radical” and “experimental” family structures — which, of course, according to them, do not benefit children.

The bill has passed the Senate and is now awaiting an Assembly vote.

 

Poly Coloradans talk to Out Front Colorado

Jul 122012
 

The June issue of LGBT publication Out Front Colorado includes the headline “What We Can All Learn from the Poly Lifestyle.” The article, written by the fabulous Shanna Katz, is moreso just about polyamory in general. It includes quotes from a Boulder relationship therapist as well as interviews with a few poly Coloradans. The quote that spurred the headline comes from the therapist, Dr. Jenni Skyler, who says:

Those who already operate from a place of non-monogamy, or are making the move to do so from a place of safety and trust, often find great benefits in the relationship as it pertains to communication. In short, non-monogamous relationships force partners to communicate deeply and to work with jealousy.

Read the rest on the Out Front Colorado website.

“Polyamory” reality series premieres on Showtime this Thursday

Jul 092012
 

What an exciting development! Showtime has announced a new reality show, “Polyamory: Married and Dating,” which will premiere Thursday, July 12th. The season will consist of seven half-hour episodes which will air on Thursdays from July 12th through August 23rd, with reruns several times each week. The show will document the trials and tribulations of several non-monogamous relationships.

The show is described on its website:

This provocative reality series takes an inside look at non-monogamous, committed relationships that involve more than two people. Lindsey and Anthony are married, but live in a triad (three-way relationship) with their girlfriend, Vanessa. Husband and wife Michael and Kamala (who have a young son) are adjusting to having two of their lovers, fellow married couple Jen and Tahl, move in with them. This explicit look at modern-day polyamory follows characters grappling with the emotional and sexual drama of sharing their hearts, as well as their beds.

I’m looking forward to seeing how everything is portrayed. Showtime isn’t a network to shy away from sexual content, so it should be especially interesting.

In celebration of the new show, there will be a viewing party at the Victory Theater in downtown San Diego on July 28th. Afterward, there will be a Q&A with director Natalia Garcia and participants Lindsey, Anthony, Vanessa, and the San Diego family.

OpenSF keynote prompts coming out

Jul 062012
 

There has been some awesome coverage of the OpenSF conference. Stories about the conference were published in the San Francisco Bay Guardian, Oakland Local, and Bay Area Reporter, and there are some great personal accounts from attendees scattered around the internet as well.

But my favorite post was from Nice Girl of the blog Nice Girls Like Sex Too. Called “I Am Coming Out,” it’s a direct response to the call to action in my OpenSF keynote — asking folks to live their lives as openly as they can, especially if they don’t outwardly appear to be members of marginalized groups. And it’s wonderful.

I have been the direct beneficiary of the bravery of so many other people in the marginalized communities I identify with, and yet I have refused to speak publicly about my membership in these communities. So, as I take a deep breath, I am going to come out to you all. Right now.

I am kinky. I enjoy BDSM style sex, with spanking, restraints, blindfolds, collars, whips, paddles, corsets, and addressing my partner as “Sir” when we are engaging in this sort of play . . . I am a happier and healthier person for it.

. . . My boyfriend and I are considering non-monogamy. At the time of writing this post, we are still unsure what that non-monogamy will look like, but the OpenSF conference has given us the tools, the language, and the support of a community as we explore this space. Our relationship and interpersonal communication has already improved dramatically.

. . . I have answered Tristan’s call to action, and I am now issuing one of my own. It is so incredibly important that those of us who have the privilege of appearing mainstream to publicly proclaim our membership to the marginalized, demonized, and ostracized communities who have given us so much . . . Come out. Our world will be brighter when you do.

Read the whole thing at Nice Girls Like Sex Too.

A mutual girlfriend in new Oliver Stone movie

Jul 032012
 

It’s a big deal when a mainstream movie depicts a non-monogamous relationship. That seems to be the case with Oliver Stone’s upcoming film Savages, in which the girlfriend and narrator (played by Blake Lively) is dating two men who run a profitable marijuana enterprise.

Savages is mostly a cut-throat crime thriller about what happens when the girlfriend gets kidnapped, but the element of a non-monogamous relationship is certainly not ignored. In the trailer, the relationship dynamic is revealed around 50 seconds in, as Lively clarifies in voice-over, “and yes, I’m with both of them.”

The folks behind Modern Poly have created a Facebook event inviting non-monogamous people and allies around the U.S. to attend midnight screenings of the film on Thursday, July 5th. They muse:

How will they treat their relationship? Is it as copacetic between the 3 of them as it looks? Will they kill off one of her partners halfway through in a fit of jealousy? Will there be a hot 3 way makeout between all 3? Will they all end up together? How will it change the public face of polyamory as a major mainstream motion picture?

We have no idea, but we know one thing: We all want to be there when the movie premieres so we don’t miss a second of what follows after. And we want you to be there with us.

Check for showings in your city on IMDB.