Written by DNGG on the sexuality-focused web magazine Fearless Press, ”A Mono Girl’s Guide to Dating Poly People” is a wonderful collection of tips for monogamous folks navigating the path of dating poly people.
DNGG begins with some background on herself. She has always been open to the concept of non-monogamy, but ultimately decided it wasn’t her style:
To a degree, I took a long, hard look at non-monogamy and decided it wasn’t for me. Poly seemed slightly more reasonable (assuming I could find a partner that believed in polyfidelity and wanted to keep our circle small). However, in the end, monogamy won out due to my personal preferences. The hard part in all of this is there isn’t a great theoretical basis for my decision. I don’t consider non-monogamy immoral. Polyamory isn’t unnatural or something to be scorned. Those options simply don’t work as well as monogamy does for me. I find myself happier when I only need to devote romantic, sexual attention toward one person.
DNGG had not had a huge amount of partners in her time when she happened upon the local kink and BDSM scene. Confronted with an array of alternative relationship structures, she began re-thinking things and dated a poly man for three years.
Having experienced such a relationship and now considering another mono/poly one, DNGG has some excellent tips for working through the “clash of ideologies” that might happen when a monogamous person dates a poly person. Here is tip #2:
Take time to define which aspects of monogamy, non-monogamy, or polyamory are the most important to you and voice them – This may seem like common sense, but many people launch into relationships without first examining what portion of their interactions with others means the most to them. If sex is a deeply emotionally connecting act for you, but your partner sees it as a fun activity that need not involve emotional connectivity, you’re likely to have problems. While you don’t have to share the exact same views, a monogamous person and a polyamorous person that share some basic beliefs (i.e. sex needs to occur within the bounds of emotional connectivity). This means that future conversations can stem from somewhat common ground.
Read all the tips on Fearless Press.