Opening Up...

“You mustn't force sex to do the work of love, or love to do the work of sex.”
-- Mary McCarthy

Opening up as a gay male couple

Mar 122012

“The Gay Male Couple’s Guide to Nonmonogamy” is an article from The Advocate about gay men in open relationships, with tips on how to open a relationship and maintain happiness within it. The piece begins with interviews with several couples whose relationships were monogamous for many years before the men decided to open them up.

The article’s focus is on solid primary relationships and agreed-upon sex outside the relationship. Therapists, a psychologist, and a psychiatrist give their input on what couples can do to ensure success with an open relationship of this type. Not surprisingly, their advice centers around honest communication and established boundaries.

Despite the perils it presents, nonmonogamy can be a source of great satisfaction. “I’ve actually seen many couples develop more compassion and trust in the course of the relationship when they are open and clear that they really want each other to be free, honest, and happy,” says [clinical psychologist] Huber. “Sex is a very powerful, vital source of joy when explored deeply.”

Read the rest on The Advocate. The second page of the article features a checklist of things to talk about before opening your relationship.

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World premiere of Yes, We’re Open this Sunday

Mar 092012

A fictional film about non-monogamy will be making its debut this Sunday at the 30th San Francisco International Asian American Film Festival — and as the Centerpiece Presentation, no less! The feature film, Yes, We’re Open, was written by H.P. Mendoza and directed by Richard Wong. It was filmed in just 16 days in the San Francisco Bay Area, and acquired post-production funding with the help of a successful Kickstarter campaign.

The synopsis:

LUKE and SYLVIA think of themselves as a modern couple — always in the know and open to new experiences. Enter ELENA and RONALD — a provocative polyamorous couple that challenge Luke and Sylvia’s status in their circle of friends and with each other. With temptation around the corner, Luke and Sylvia must figure out where they really stand on love, sex, and honesty.

The premiere will take place at the historic Castro Theatre this Sunday, March 11th. Tickets can be purchased online here, where you can also read a more detailed synopsis.

Be sure to follow the film on Facebook and Twitter for info on future screenings.

 Events, Non-monogamy, Open Relationships, Polyamory  1 Response »

Progressive love on Dr. Phil

Mar 072012

Married relationship coaches Kenya and Carl Stevens, who were profiled briefly in an opinion piece in the February issue of Ebony magazine, were the subjects of a recent epside of Dr. Phil.

Unfortunately, the couple are handled with the same dramatic, in-your-face tone that Dr. Phil is known for. The full show can’t be found online, but several clips and a write-up of the appearance are available on Dr. Phil’s website. The write-up includes many quotes from the show, in which Carl and Kenya explain how opening up their marriage has enriched their lives.

“When my husband and I went from monogamous marriage to open marriage, everything changed,” Kenya says. “I felt like I came out of hiding. My husband came alive. I came alive.”

. . . “We practice progressive love,” Carl tells Dr. Phil. “It’s not just open marriage. Open marriage is a relationship style. It’s like monogamy or polygamy, whatever. So, we practice progressive love, and what that means is we’re allowed to show up authentically with each other, that we trust each other, and we love each other unconditionally.”

Some clips from the show can be found on the pages of the write-up. Kenya wrote about her experience on the show on her blog.

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[SSEX BBOX] Magazine discusses polyamory

Feb 292012

Issue #2 of [SSEX BBOX] Magazine is out, and it’s all about relationships and polyamory! The Spring 2012 issue, entitled “It’s Complicated,” asks questions such as ”What characteristics define particular relationship dynamics?”, “Is having sex with friends OK?,” and “Do our gender identities construct the type of relationship dynamics we embark on?”

[SSEX BBOX] Magazine is the physical manifestation of the [SSEX BBOX] web documentary series, which “expands consciousness by examining and challenging two dimensional, archaic and obsolete understandings of sexuality and gender.”

Purchase Issue #2 online here.

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Take the polyamory and marriage survey

Feb 252012

The media and academics always want to know how polyamorous people feel about marriage, but no research has been done on the subject. In the interest of learning more, Loving More has sponsored a polyamory and marriage survey, and they are hoping you will participate.

The survey was designed by Curt Bergstrand, Ph.D. (associate professor of sociology at Bellarmine University and co-author of Swinging In America: Sex, Love, and Marriage in the 21st Century) and Jim Fleckenstein (poly activist and researcher, co-founder of the the Chesapeake Polyamory Network). The aim of the research is described as follows:

This survey is the beginning of an ongoing research effort to gain information about the community of individuals who engage in consensual, non-exclusive intimate relationships, or who are philosophically open to doing so, regardless of their current relationship configuration. We undertake this effort in order better to understand this community, its beliefs, practices, and desires, and it’s position within the larger mosaic of humanity.

With knowledge comes the ability to better serve this community, to better represent its interests in the public discourse, and to foster understanding, acceptance and non-discrimination in the wider world.

The survey is fairly brief and all responses will be kept confidential. No individually identifying information will be collected.

Take the survey here.

 Call for Participants, Non-monogamy, Open Relationships, Polyamory  3 Responses »

Poly folks on local news TV

Feb 232012

People in poly relationships have been getting some local TV attention lately. One segment aired on WJLA Channel 7 in Washington DC. The 2 1/2-minute video segment highlights married couple Anita and Tim Illig and Michael Rios and his girlfriends Jonica Hunter and Sarah Taub (pictured), with some blips from a psychotherapist as well.

Another segment aired around Valentine’s Day on WVEC TV-13 in the Hampton Roads area of Virginia. This video segment is about 3 1/2 minutes long and profiles two couples. The interviewees explain how polyamory is different from swinging, how important honest communication is, and how poly people are just as ordinary as monogamous people.

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Just a normal family… with more resources

Feb 192012

Sierra Black is a woman in an open, poly marriage who blogs about parenting at her blog ChildWild. She has written several pieces online recently about her nontraditional relationships and how they intersect with her parenting. The first, entitled “Our successful open marriage,” was published on Salon. In this piece, she discusses her home life and why she is drawn to partners outside her marriage.

Since we’ve always been poly, I often wonder how monogamous couples do it. I get so much support from my lovers. No one else, not my friends, not my parents, no one, is as willing to deal with the messes and mishaps of parenting as my sweeties. There’s something about romantic intimacy that builds a family-type closeness.

. . . To my kids, this is all normal. I’ve never had a big sit-down talk about how Mommy and Daddy’s marriage is different. They were born into this. We’re a big messy family. The kids know I go on grown-up sleepovers sometimes, and take it for granted.

Another piece from Black was published on parenting site Babble. This article is called “What It’s Like To Be A Parent In An Open Marriage,” and it’s a pretty in-depth look at common questions that people have about poly relationships. Black stresses that her life is nothing to be gawked at.

I’m writing this essay because I think it’s important to provide images of open marriage that counter the stereotypes. We’re just a normal family… who happen to have more resources.

. . . poly families resemble monogamous families in a lot of ways. I just spent an hour talking to my girlfriend about a charter school we’re both considering sending our kids to. Last night, my husband’s girlfriend came over and sat with my second-grader doing homework while he did bath time with the little one. Our partners are folded into the fabric of our family life.

Black’s articles are wonderful; be sure to read them both.

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The media’s renewed interest in open relationships continues

Feb 062012

It began when the former wife of GOP presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich told Nightline that Gingrich had once, on the heels of a 6-year affair, asked her for an “open marriage.” More and more news stories about the controversy just keep popping up, many of them mentioning non-monogamy in some way.

The latest is a piece from the New York Times entitled “Open marriage’s new 15 minutes.” The article is a cursory look at the different permutations of non-monogamy, with some quotes from myself, Anita Wagner (organizer of the Polyamory Leadership Network), and others.

If nothing else, Marianne Gingrich’s allegation, which the candidate has denied, provided an unexpected publicity bounce for advocates of open relationships, who have long been trying to paw their way out of the cultural margins.

. . . In the first flush of open marriage in the ’70s, there was hardly any way for the curious to find like-minded people. “Then the Internet came along and it was all just a keystroke away,” [Janet W. Hardy] said, adding that there are dozens of online forums devoted to the practice today. “It turned from an oddity into a community.”

Meanwhile, Modern Poly released a statement about the effect of big news stories like this one on the poly community. The statement is directed at Gingrich.

. . . with every backlash more and more people will come out, non-monogamy will become more and more normalized, more network television shows will be interested in exploring a non-monogamous plot arc, and then sitcoms, and eventually, things will change… And we owe a lot of that to you, Newt, for being the person in power to be scandalized by allegedly asking for a sexually non-exclusive relationship.

So thank you, Newt, for giving us the spotlight, so we can show people all the good ways to practice polyamory and non-monogamy… through honesty, compassion, responsibility, commitment, love, a sex-positive outlook, and a willingness to work through the hard things like boundaries and jealousy. Please–keep doing it wrong, so more people can find their way to us. Because the more you do, the more the movement is fed and ready to start making things better.

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Audiobook version of Opening Up

Feb 012012

Yes, it’s true! As of last fall, Opening Up is available as an audiobook. This is my first book ever to be converted into an audiobook, and it’s unabridged — a full 11 hours of non-monogamous goodness. The audiobook is narrated by Jo Anna Perrin and published by Tantor Audio.

You can buy the audiobook online on many sites, such as Amazon, Audible, and Tantor (where it is currently 50% off!). Mp3 audio samples are available on all of those sites, so you can preview the narration before purchase.

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Female boxer: polyamorous?

Jan 292012

Listening to Weekend Edition on the local NPR station today, I heard an interesting piece, “‘I Am A Boxer’: Fighter In The Ring, Lady Outside It,” about female boxers who hope to make the U.S. Olympic Team for women’s boxing. The first woman profiled was Bertha Aracil, a 29 year old amateur boxer. Talking about Aracil, reporter Marianne McCune said this (emphasis mine):

When I met her she was living in a basement apartment in the Bronx with a man and a woman she called her husband and her wife. They were cooking for a band of nieces, nephews, and sisters, part of a big family of Cuban immigrants. Aracil is 5’9″ with jeans, boots, she says that her many tattoos tell the story of who she is.

Whoa, what? That’s right. Not only was Aracil clearly open about her nontraditional and nonmonogamous (polyamorous?) relationship, but the NPR reporter treated it as completely ordinary, just part of the profile. Unfortunately, this little item is missing from the written piece on npr.org, but you can download the audio of the segment here.

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