Opening Up...

“I've never had a monogamous fantasy in my life...I just never, ever, dreamt of "him." I always dreamt of "them," from the earliest days of sexual fantasizing. My sexuality is very fluid and wide-ranging.”
-- Shari

Just a normal family… with more resources

Feb 192012

Sierra Black is a woman in an open, poly marriage who blogs about parenting at her blog ChildWild. She has written several pieces online recently about her nontraditional relationships and how they intersect with her parenting. The first, entitled “Our successful open marriage,” was published on Salon. In this piece, she discusses her home life and why she is drawn to partners outside her marriage.

Since we’ve always been poly, I often wonder how monogamous couples do it. I get so much support from my lovers. No one else, not my friends, not my parents, no one, is as willing to deal with the messes and mishaps of parenting as my sweeties. There’s something about romantic intimacy that builds a family-type closeness.

. . . To my kids, this is all normal. I’ve never had a big sit-down talk about how Mommy and Daddy’s marriage is different. They were born into this. We’re a big messy family. The kids know I go on grown-up sleepovers sometimes, and take it for granted.

Another piece from Black was published on parenting site Babble. This article is called “What It’s Like To Be A Parent In An Open Marriage,” and it’s a pretty in-depth look at common questions that people have about poly relationships. Black stresses that her life is nothing to be gawked at.

I’m writing this essay because I think it’s important to provide images of open marriage that counter the stereotypes. We’re just a normal family… who happen to have more resources.

. . . poly families resemble monogamous families in a lot of ways. I just spent an hour talking to my girlfriend about a charter school we’re both considering sending our kids to. Last night, my husband’s girlfriend came over and sat with my second-grader doing homework while he did bath time with the little one. Our partners are folded into the fabric of our family life.

Black’s articles are wonderful; be sure to read them both.

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Valentine’s Day for non-monogamists

Feb 112012

Valentine’s Day seems to spark extra interest in the poly community, and this year is no exception. In an article in the DC Around Town branch of The Huffington Post, there is an interview with Tamara Pincus, a psychotherapist and sex podcast host who also runs a local discussion group for non-monogamous folks. Pincus has two children and lives with her husband and one of her husband’s girlfriends. Both Pincus and her husband have other relationships as well.

Hilariously, most of the interview is spent with Pincus explaining how Valentine’s Day just isn’t a big deal to her, and that her only specific plans are to make breakfast for her children and record a new podcast.

In a similar vein, there’s an article on CNN’s website about how different couples spend Valentine’s Day, with a short section on “nontraditional relationships.”

“Each of my partners is like those in any monogamous relationships,” said Joreth, a representative of the Polyamory Media Association, which provides members of the press with information and spokespeople on how polyamory works. “There’s really no difference between how I feel about my current partners or how we relate to each other. The only difference is I didn’t have to break up with one to start the other.”

Joreth, her three male partners and their additional “metamors” are going out for dinner at a nice steakhouse in Tampa, Florida. All told, there will be six of them around the table.

“I don’t personally observe Valentine’s Day, but my partners’ other partners do,” she said. “The holiday’s not important, but making my loved ones feel that I care about them is important.”

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The media’s renewed interest in open relationships continues

Feb 062012

It began when the former wife of GOP presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich told Nightline that Gingrich had once, on the heels of a 6-year affair, asked her for an “open marriage.” More and more news stories about the controversy just keep popping up, many of them mentioning non-monogamy in some way.

The latest is a piece from the New York Times entitled “Open marriage’s new 15 minutes.” The article is a cursory look at the different permutations of non-monogamy, with some quotes from myself, Anita Wagner (organizer of the Polyamory Leadership Network), and others.

If nothing else, Marianne Gingrich’s allegation, which the candidate has denied, provided an unexpected publicity bounce for advocates of open relationships, who have long been trying to paw their way out of the cultural margins.

. . . In the first flush of open marriage in the ’70s, there was hardly any way for the curious to find like-minded people. “Then the Internet came along and it was all just a keystroke away,” [Janet W. Hardy] said, adding that there are dozens of online forums devoted to the practice today. “It turned from an oddity into a community.”

Meanwhile, Modern Poly released a statement about the effect of big news stories like this one on the poly community. The statement is directed at Gingrich.

. . . with every backlash more and more people will come out, non-monogamy will become more and more normalized, more network television shows will be interested in exploring a non-monogamous plot arc, and then sitcoms, and eventually, things will change… And we owe a lot of that to you, Newt, for being the person in power to be scandalized by allegedly asking for a sexually non-exclusive relationship.

So thank you, Newt, for giving us the spotlight, so we can show people all the good ways to practice polyamory and non-monogamy… through honesty, compassion, responsibility, commitment, love, a sex-positive outlook, and a willingness to work through the hard things like boundaries and jealousy. Please–keep doing it wrong, so more people can find their way to us. Because the more you do, the more the movement is fed and ready to start making things better.

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Audiobook version of Opening Up

Feb 012012

Yes, it’s true! As of last fall, Opening Up is available as an audiobook. This is my first book ever to be converted into an audiobook, and it’s unabridged — a full 11 hours of non-monogamous goodness. The audiobook is narrated by Jo Anna Perrin and published by Tantor Audio.

You can buy the audiobook online on many sites, such as Amazon, Audible, and Tantor (where it is currently 50% off!). Mp3 audio samples are available on all of those sites, so you can preview the narration before purchase.

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Battling breast cancer with multiple partners

Jan 312012

Allena Gabosch is a polyamorous woman and the founder of Seattle’s Center for Sex Positivity. When she was diagnosed with breast cancer, she turned to her partners for support and comfort. In “Breast Cancer and Polyamory: A Story of Non-Monogamy, Love and Commitment While Going Through Chemo,” Rachel Rabbit White interviews Gabosch about the ups and downs of dealing with cancer as a poly woman.

Gabosch quickly found that being poly was a huge asset in her fight against breast cancer. Her partners were able to comfort each other. Gabosch became much closer with her partner’s primary, Sophie, who treated her with an array of herbal remedies and vitamins, and she bonded with Sophie’s daughter as well. She was always surrounded by love.

The most incredible part was I never went to the oncologist, to chemo, or to surgery without one or more of my partners with me. When I went in for the lobectomy . . . As they were wheeling me away, I showered each lover in kisses. The nurses did look at each other, like, ‘well this is strange.’

There were other unforeseen benefits as well. When Gabosch’s sex drive diminished, she did not have to worry about whether her partners’ sexual needs were being met. Gabosch even met a new partner, right in the middle of her battle.

Dealing with cancer only strengthened Gabosch’s belief in polyamory.

In both cancer and love, for me it is about not being at the whims of society and what you are supposed to do, but being proactive and finding what really works for you, and I think being poly has a lot to do with shaping that idea.

. . . I learned a lot about love and commitment and how committed these people truly are to me. One of the ideas people have about polyamory is “well you guys don’t know how to commit, that is why you are poly” I always knew that wasn’t true but here I was really seeing it, my partners were so committed to me, 100 percent . . . I never lacked for attention for my entire cancer experience, and that is a powerful place to come from.

This interview is an ultimately uplifting reminder of the shortness of life and the importance of support and love. Read the full interview in SexIs Magazine.

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Female boxer: polyamorous?

Jan 292012

Listening to Weekend Edition on the local NPR station today, I heard an interesting piece, “‘I Am A Boxer’: Fighter In The Ring, Lady Outside It,” about female boxers who hope to make the U.S. Olympic Team for women’s boxing. The first woman profiled was Bertha Aracil, a 29 year old amateur boxer. Talking about Aracil, reporter Marianne McCune said this (emphasis mine):

When I met her she was living in a basement apartment in the Bronx with a man and a woman she called her husband and her wife. They were cooking for a band of nieces, nephews, and sisters, part of a big family of Cuban immigrants. Aracil is 5’9″ with jeans, boots, she says that her many tattoos tell the story of who she is.

Whoa, what? That’s right. Not only was Aracil clearly open about her nontraditional and nonmonogamous (polyamorous?) relationship, but the NPR reporter treated it as completely ordinary, just part of the profile. Unfortunately, this little item is missing from the written piece on npr.org, but you can download the audio of the segment here.

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Triad on National Geographic’s “Taboo”

Jan 242012

An equilateral triad family from the San Francisco area was recently profiled in National Geographic’s show Taboo, in an episode entitled “Odd Couples.” The family consists of two men and a woman who have been together for 17 years and are raising a teenager.

In 8 seasons of the show, National Geographic has turned the spotlight on many anthropological practices, such as voodoo, body modification, and initiation rituals, while also tackling topics that are merely unusual, such as strange pets and peculiar foods. Filming of the family took place last June, and there was trepidation over how the segment would be edited.

Thankfully, the family was treated respectfully. Alan M. describes the segment:

What a sweet portrayal it turned out to be, from start to finish! Cuddly kindness and family warmth; intelligence and thoughtfulness — and such a steady smooth flow was evident among these people after their 17 years together. There was some mostly good commentary by a few talking-head experts (Helen Fisher, Peter Singer, Elisabeth Sheff). The 15-year-old in particular was articulate, perceptive, and proud to have so many good parental figures. The show went on for nearly 20 minutes including commercial breaks. It ended with them making a trip to Redwood Forest National Park (above), where they have an annual ritual of renewing their wedding vows.

Check National Geographic’s schedule for air times. The episode cannot be found online at the moment, but you can watch a 3-minute preview on National Geographic’s website.

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An Opening Up read-along!

Jan 202012

Blogger Kit O’Connell has launched an Opening Up read-along! O’Connell is encouraging readers to follow along in Opening Up and engage in discussions about the various chapters — and non-monogamy in general.

Here’s how it will work: each week or so, O’Connell will post about a new section of the book and his thoughts on it, using that as a launching pad for more broad discussion of non-monogamy. He will also share his own experiences in the polyamorous lifestyle.

In this first post, O’Connell writes about the introduction in Opening Up:

In addition to talking about her background and the creation of the book, the introduction to Opening Up takes a look at the state of relationships in our culture today. Most of us grow up believing that lifelong monogamous marriage is not only the current default, but always has been for everyone . . . Countless events (the Stonewall riots), technological developments (birth control), and cultural changes have shown that there is no normal relationship and a lifetime of emotional & sexual monogamy is a rarity and not always a worthwhile or realistic goal.

. . . Opening Up attempts to cover a wide gamut of relationship styles, from polyamory of many kinds, to swinging, to pairings where one person is monogamous and the other poly. It has chapters devoted to major issues which confront us as we explore these new relationship styles, and profiles of how others have shaped their relationships. Remember as we go through this book that, quoting the author, “there is no formula for an open relationship.” There is not even one definition of polyamory. Instead, approach your relationships as you would a toolbox — choose from what works for you and your lovers, without worrying about what you perceive as normal.

The read-along will continue next Thursday, January 26th, with chapter 1, which examines the history of non-monogamy since the 1950s. Go contribute your voice to the discussion and follow along on O’Connell’s blog, Approximately 8,000 Words.

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What the Canadian ruling means for polyamorists

Jan 162012

It’s been a month and a half since the British Columbia Supreme Court ruled in favor of upholding Canada’s anti-polygamy law and narrowing its scope. In the poly community, nobody was quite sure how to react to the ruling. Now that the dust has settled, the attorney who represented the Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association in the case has released an open letter to the Canadian polyamory community.

The attorney, John Ince, is poly himself, and although he thinks that the “scope of the prohibition” is too extreme, he believes that the decision is an overall positive one for polyamorists.

In general terms, I think that the decision allows us to do virtually anything the vast majority of polyamorists would want to do . . . His decision makes it clear that polyamorists are not criminals and this is a major step forward for our community to gain social acceptance and become more integrated into mainstream Canadian culture.

The reason for this, Ince explains, is that the ruling only criminalizes institutionalized marriages that are non-monogamous. Due to the definitions of the words “institutionalized” and “marriage,” this law does not apply to poly relationships.

I conclude that given the lack of polyamorous history, sanction or support for “polyamorous marriage,” that polyamorous people cannot form the type of marriages that the judge found are prohibited.

I go so far as to say that even if polyamorous people wanted to form such relationships, they cannot. The whole structure of institutionalization that the judge emphasized over and over again as key to his decision is simply lacking in our community.

. . . Because there is no polyamorous institution of marriage, how far can polyamorous people go in celebrating and formalizing their relationships? In my view: probably as far as they want.

So, polyamorists are free to have ceremonies, take vows of love, and exchange rings. To remove any legal risk, Ince suggests that any commitment ceremony refrain from using the word “marriage,” or if that is not possible, avoid including any “official” in the process. A marriage is not a marriage under the law unless it is enforced by an institutionalized sanctioning authority.

And there are other upsides to the ruling, Ince explains.

Because the court found that polyamorous relationships that are not institutionalized into a form of marriage are lawful, people in such relationships no longer have to face the chilling argument in child custody, immigration or other matters that they are criminals. That is obviously a very positive outcome of this case.

Further, nothing in this case prevents people in cohabiting polyamorous relationships from entering contracts with respect to most key family issues, such as community property and the care of children, and hospital privileges.

For more in-depth, specific information on the implications of the Canadian ruling for the poly community, read Ince’s full statement.

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A polyfi triad on ABC’s “Private Practice”

Jan 122012

Thursday’s season premiere of ABC’s “Private Practice,” a medical drama that chronicles the lives of a group of doctors and patients, contained a surprisingly sympathetic poly-oriented subplot! Alongside other subplots, there’s a polyfi triad — two women and a man — who want to have a child together, and the doctors assist them in their journey.

Alan M. describes the poly subplot in full:

In comes a nice, seemingly conventional lesbian couple, Kendra and Rose, to interview with the fertility specialist. They’ve been together six years and want a child — one woman will be the egg donor, the other will bear the baby. Also along for the interview is the intended sperm donor, Evan . . . When the counselor advises the women that they need to have him sign away parental rights, they balk, and the truth comes out: they’re not actually conventional at all.

“We’re all in love,” they reveal, holding hands.

“We know it sounds crazy—”

As they’re explaining: “That first night was amazing. And, so was the next morning. And, every morning after that. Most mornings.”

. . . The docs in the practice discuss it among themselves. “A what?” “A polyamorous triad.” They debate. “…That’s the same argument that said interracial and same-sex couples shouldn’t have children.” The docs come to agreement: they will do the egg fertilization and implant, as the three wish.

But this is a TV drama, right? An ultrasound reveals a problem.

Read the rest of Alan M.’s account to find out how the storyline resolves itself. Or better yet, check out the 43-minute episode on ABC’s website or on Hulu.

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