Wondering what I think about the news that Newt Gingrich asked his wife for an “open marriage”? I was interviewed by both Salon and the BBC about the controversy.
Check out Salon’s article, “Newt Gingrich’s traditional values,” and the BBC’s “Is it possible to have a happy open marriage?”, for quotes from me and other experts.
An equilateral triad family from the San Francisco area was recently profiled in National Geographic’s show Taboo, in an episode entitled “Odd Couples.” The family consists of two men and a woman who have been together for 17 years and are raising a teenager.
In 8 seasons of the show, National Geographic has turned the spotlight on many anthropological practices, such as voodoo, body modification, and initiation rituals, while also tackling topics that are merely unusual, such as strange pets and peculiar foods. Filming of the family took place last June, and there was trepidation over how the segment would be edited.
Thankfully, the family was treated respectfully. Alan M. describes the segment:
What a sweet portrayal it turned out to be, from start to finish! Cuddly kindness and family warmth; intelligence and thoughtfulness — and such a steady smooth flow was evident among these people after their 17 years together. There was some mostly good commentary by a few talking-head experts (Helen Fisher, Peter Singer, Elisabeth Sheff). The 15-year-old in particular was articulate, perceptive, and proud to have so many good parental figures. The show went on for nearly 20 minutes including commercial breaks. It ended with them making a trip to Redwood Forest National Park (above), where they have an annual ritual of renewing their wedding vows.
Check National Geographic’s schedule for air times. The episode cannot be found online at the moment, but you can watch a 3-minute preview on National Geographic’s website.
Blogger Kit O’Connell has launched an Opening Up read-along! O’Connell is encouraging readers to follow along in Opening Up and engage in discussions about the various chapters — and non-monogamy in general.
Here’s how it will work: each week or so, O’Connell will post about a new section of the book and his thoughts on it, using that as a launching pad for more broad discussion of non-monogamy. He will also share his own experiences in the polyamorous lifestyle.
In this first post, O’Connell writes about the introduction in Opening Up:
In addition to talking about her background and the creation of the book, the introduction to Opening Up takes a look at the state of relationships in our culture today. Most of us grow up believing that lifelong monogamous marriage is not only the current default, but always has been for everyone . . . Countless events (the Stonewall riots), technological developments (birth control), and cultural changes have shown that there is no normal relationship and a lifetime of emotional & sexual monogamy is a rarity and not always a worthwhile or realistic goal.
. . . Opening Up attempts to cover a wide gamut of relationship styles, from polyamory of many kinds, to swinging, to pairings where one person is monogamous and the other poly. It has chapters devoted to major issues which confront us as we explore these new relationship styles, and profiles of how others have shaped their relationships. Remember as we go through this book that, quoting the author, “there is no formula for an open relationship.” There is not even one definition of polyamory. Instead, approach your relationships as you would a toolbox — choose from what works for you and your lovers, without worrying about what you perceive as normal.
The read-along will continue next Thursday, January 26th, with chapter 1, which examines the history of non-monogamy since the 1950s. Go contribute your voice to the discussion and follow along on O’Connell’s blog, Approximately 8,000 Words.
In Dan Savage’s recent Savage Love column, entitled “Meet the Monogamish,” he hopes to squash the stereotype that non-monogamy is a recipe for disaster — by simply sharing the stories of non-monogamous folks. Savage writes,
Why do most people assume that all nonmonogamous relationships are destined to fail? Because we only hear about the ones that do. If a three-way or an affair was a factor in a divorce or breakup, we hear all about it. But we rarely hear from happy couples who aren’t monogamous, because they don’t want to be perceived as dangerous sex maniacs who are destined to divorce.
. . . “You know lots of couples who have had three-ways and flings who aren’t divorced,” I told the skeptics a few weeks ago, “you just don’t know you know them.” In an effort to introduce the skeptics to some happily monogamish couples, I invited coupled people who’d had successful flings, affairs, three-ways, and swinging experiences to write in and share their stories.
Seven different letters are printed, ranging from threesomes to semi-open relationships. One reader writes in succinctly:
I agree with you that we rarely hear about successful marriages that are open. How do I know? I just discovered that my parents are swingers — and they have been married for 26 years!
Read the rest of the stories in Savage Love.
It’s been a month and a half since the British Columbia Supreme Court ruled in favor of upholding Canada’s anti-polygamy law and narrowing its scope. In the poly community, nobody was quite sure how to react to the ruling. Now that the dust has settled, the attorney who represented the Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association in the case has released an open letter to the Canadian polyamory community.
The attorney, John Ince, is poly himself, and although he thinks that the “scope of the prohibition” is too extreme, he believes that the decision is an overall positive one for polyamorists.
In general terms, I think that the decision allows us to do virtually anything the vast majority of polyamorists would want to do . . . His decision makes it clear that polyamorists are not criminals and this is a major step forward for our community to gain social acceptance and become more integrated into mainstream Canadian culture.
The reason for this, Ince explains, is that the ruling only criminalizes institutionalized marriages that are non-monogamous. Due to the definitions of the words “institutionalized” and “marriage,” this law does not apply to poly relationships.
I conclude that given the lack of polyamorous history, sanction or support for “polyamorous marriage,” that polyamorous people cannot form the type of marriages that the judge found are prohibited.
I go so far as to say that even if polyamorous people wanted to form such relationships, they cannot. The whole structure of institutionalization that the judge emphasized over and over again as key to his decision is simply lacking in our community.
. . . Because there is no polyamorous institution of marriage, how far can polyamorous people go in celebrating and formalizing their relationships? In my view: probably as far as they want.
So, polyamorists are free to have ceremonies, take vows of love, and exchange rings. To remove any legal risk, Ince suggests that any commitment ceremony refrain from using the word “marriage,” or if that is not possible, avoid including any “official” in the process. A marriage is not a marriage under the law unless it is enforced by an institutionalized sanctioning authority.
And there are other upsides to the ruling, Ince explains.
Because the court found that polyamorous relationships that are not institutionalized into a form of marriage are lawful, people in such relationships no longer have to face the chilling argument in child custody, immigration or other matters that they are criminals. That is obviously a very positive outcome of this case.
Further, nothing in this case prevents people in cohabiting polyamorous relationships from entering contracts with respect to most key family issues, such as community property and the care of children, and hospital privileges.
For more in-depth, specific information on the implications of the Canadian ruling for the poly community, read Ince’s full statement.
Thursday’s season premiere of ABC’s “Private Practice,” a medical drama that chronicles the lives of a group of doctors and patients, contained a surprisingly sympathetic poly-oriented subplot! Alongside other subplots, there’s a polyfi triad — two women and a man — who want to have a child together, and the doctors assist them in their journey.
Alan M. describes the poly subplot in full:
In comes a nice, seemingly conventional lesbian couple, Kendra and Rose, to interview with the fertility specialist. They’ve been together six years and want a child — one woman will be the egg donor, the other will bear the baby. Also along for the interview is the intended sperm donor, Evan . . . When the counselor advises the women that they need to have him sign away parental rights, they balk, and the truth comes out: they’re not actually conventional at all.
“We’re all in love,” they reveal, holding hands.
“We know it sounds crazy—”
As they’re explaining: “That first night was amazing. And, so was the next morning. And, every morning after that. Most mornings.”
. . . The docs in the practice discuss it among themselves. “A what?” “A polyamorous triad.” They debate. “…That’s the same argument that said interracial and same-sex couples shouldn’t have children.” The docs come to agreement: they will do the egg fertilization and implant, as the three wish.
But this is a TV drama, right? An ultrasound reveals a problem.
Read the rest of Alan M.’s account to find out how the storyline resolves itself. Or better yet, check out the 43-minute episode on ABC’s website or on Hulu.
This advice column in the Montreal Mirror caught my eye when it mentioned Opening Up. Sex advice columnist Sasha, who has been writing her column for 17 years, received a letter from a reader. In it the reader expressed concern over one of Sasha’s previous columns.
The letter in the original column was written by a man who was perplexed by his partner’s penchant for watching him have sex with other people, which Sasha labeled a “cuckold fantasy.” In the newest column, the concerned reader writes to Sasha:
There’s a relevant term my wife and I came across while further exploring this particular fantasy. It’s called “compersion,” and we found it in Tristan Taormino’s book Opening Up . . .You might want to research it.
Sasha then responds:
I’ve read Tristan’s book and I think it contains a lot of really important information about exploring different relationship models. But as I understand it, compersion is not the same as fantasizing about your partner fucking someone else and wanting all the gory details to expedite your own fantasies. Compersion is often defined by polyamorists as the opposite of jealousy. One of the distinguishing qualities of compersion might be the profound relief you feel that you’re actually not exploding with jealousy at the idea of your partner having sex with someone else. While you may very well be happy for your partner, you are also happy that you aren’t feeling like you want to collapse from heartache. It’s the wondrous sensation of a truth being revealed to you that defies the one you’ve been told all your life. And it is extra awesome because you sought that truth out on your own, despite some pretty intense obstacles.
It is important not to lose sight of the true definition of compersion, which Sasha has deftly and eloquently laid out here. Compersion is a very unique concept that should be kept separate from fantasies and fetishes. However, advice columnists should also keep open minds about situations that could veer into the non-monogamous, which is what the letter-writer seems to be pointing out to Sasha.
Read the whole column here.
The 7th annual Poly Living Conference in Philadelphia is about a month away! It’s happening February 10th through 12th at the Embassy Suites Philadelphia Airport Hotel. Poly Living has reserved a block of rooms at the hotel, and there are only a few days left to take advantage of a special, discounted room rate. Book a reservation online before Tuesday, January 10th to receive the reduced rate.
Here’s a description of the Poly Living Conference:
Since 2005 when George Marvil hosted the first Poly Living Conference in Philadelphia, it has been the best place to warm up your winter with fun, learning and polyamory community. Whether you are new to polyamory and wanting to find out more, a professional interested in helping clients or an experienced poly person looking to have fun with old friends, Poly Living is a great place to learn, explore and connect with real people.
This year’s keynote speaker is Alan M. of the blog Poly in the Media. His talk is called “Busting Loose: Polyamory in the Next Five Years.” There will also be a Friday night social and a variety of workshops from esteemed presenters. Attendees will be able to learn:
Registration for the conference is $125 and you can register online.
Movie producer Jerry Weintraub — whose producing credits include The Karate Kid and Ocean’s Eleven — is becoming more and more open about his unconventional relationships. He has four children with his wife of 46 years, Jane Morgan, but he lives with his girlfriend of 20 years, Susie Ekins. Morgan and Ekins are good friends.
Weintraub’s relationships are discussed in His Way, an HBO documentary chronicling Weintraub’s career which was recently released on DVD. One hour and 13 minutes into the documentary, a title card announces,
Weintraub then explains how his arrangement came to be, beginning with the period when his relationship with Ekins was blossoming.
It was a casual relationship for a very long time because I was in love with Jane . . . I was torn up inside not because I was committing adultery, but I didn’t want to hurt Jane and my children. Having said that, Jane said to me, long before I went to her, “if you have somebody else that you want to be with, I’m OK with that. I want you to be happy.” So I went to Jane and I said to Jane, “I’m in love with somebody else.” And she looked at me, and she said to me, “I know. And I know who it is.”
A variety of big name actors — George Clooney, Julia Roberts, Matt Damon, and Brad Pitt — are interviewed as well, all acknowledging Weintraub’s relationships. Weintraub’s children also approve; his son, Michael, says, ”As long as the three of you are happy with it, we’ll figure out how we’re gonna do holidays and move on.”
The sequence ends with the following quote from Weintraub:
I believe it works because Jane is an incredible woman and Susie is an incredible woman. I got lucky twice.
Here’s an interview Weintraub did with Jimmy Kimmel, which includes a clip from His Way.
Following their recent appearance in Details magazine and on Anderson Cooper’s talk show, sex guru Jaiya Ma and her two partners continue to receive some very prominent press. First, they were interviewed for Great Britain’s Daily Mail, in an article that lets the family speak for themselves, telling the story of how they came together, along with personal photos.
Jaiya’s family was also the focus of a recent article on ABC News, awkwardly titled, “Polyamory on Rise Among Divorce-Disgusted Americans.” Again, the family’s arrangement is detailed, including Jaiya’s rules for safe sex and check-ins. The article also includes the voice of Robin Trask, Executive Director of polyamory advocacy group Loving More.
Tristan’s Tweets
