Category: Polyamory

Advice on accepting your partner’s new partner

Mistress Matisse, a columnist on kink and poly relationships for Seattle's The Stranger, has some useful advice about dealing with your partner's other partners (POPs) -- especially if they're not your cup of tea. Besides honest communication and "no bad-mouthing," she explains her personal approach:

I do have a strategy around preventing negative feelings from happening in the first place: not too much, not too soon. Yes, it's nice to meet the people your partner is dating. But some polyamory literature strongly suggests spending lots of quality time with your POPs, on the theory that it makes them less emotionally threatening. Phrases like "poly family" -- a Charles Manson-ish term I detest -- are tossed around, implying everyone should want to all hang out together. One gets the impression that poly people are damn-near obligated to welcome new POPs by love-bombing them like a Moonies recruit. I disagree.

. . . Once I'm used to the fact of the new POP, then I get to know him/her just as I would anyone else: slowly, organically, without any assumptions of intimacy. I think feeling that one must immediately like the new person as much as one's partner does is what breeds resentment and then dislike.

Read the rest of the column here.

 

Pedestrian Polyamory podcast debuts

A new polyamory podcast has hit the internet! Pedestrian Polyamory, hosted by Shira B. Katz and her husband, Gavin Katz, is a Life on the Swingset spin-off that focuses on discussing polyamory in a down-to-earth manner. As they describe it:

We are normal, skeptical, logical and slightly geeky poly folk who have nearly 20 combined years of polyamory under our belt. We're certainly not sages or experts but we aren't novices and we aren't trying to sell you anything. We just want a realistic and normalized viewpoint on polyamory out there because, truly, after all these years polyamory is kind of pedestrian.

In the first episode of Pedestrian Polyamory, Shira interviews Gavin about his views on polyamory, and they discuss topics such as "turning vanillas to polyamory, dealing with a partner who dates more than you, gender inadequacies in online dating, and being an introvert in an extroverted lifestyle."

Pedestrian Polyamory can be found on iTunes and FeedBurner.

An interview with Sadie Smythe

You can't go wrong when it comes to Sadie Smythe, author and blogger at Sadie's Open Marriage. So, this recent interview with her is definitely worth reading. Her response to the inevitable question about jealousy is especially great. Smythe says:

. . . I've been called a proponent for open relationships, but I’m really a proponent of designing the relationship of your choice -- making the relationship look the way you want it to look, not the way others expect it to.

What about jealousy? In terms of being confronted with who you are, one of the biggest components you have to deal with is the jealously factor. In the traditional monogamous marriage jealousy occurs -- he's looking at the waitress, flirting with a friend — and you feel these feelings, and it's almost expected. But when you are in an open relationship, and there's actually a person to be jealous of, it forces you to go inward in a way you wouldn't otherwise. What is jealousy? It is fear turned in on itself. What do I fear? I fear losing him? But the reality is that I could lose him anyway.

. . . What have you learned? When you start talking to your husband or wife about sex and about what you really want -- providing both you are being accepting of that information and not judging it -- it can be really powerful . . . I think everyone should make their relationship what they want it to be. Design it to their own specifications.

Read the rest here.

Poly couples wanted for student documentary

Jordan R.W. Robinson, a senior film student at the University of Michigan (Ann Arbor), is hoping to find poly couples to participate in his senior project: a documentary about poly relationships. The call for participants reads:

Are you currently in a relationship with more than one partner? If so I would love for you to be a part of my upcoming student documentary!

. . . The purpose of the film is not to criticize or affirm polyamorous (multiple partner) relationships, but rather explore your everyday lives together and the story of how your relationship came to be. I'm also interested in investigating why poly relationships lack the general stigma that is often seen in heterosexual society.

So, what's in it for you? As a student and especially as a student filmmaker I can not offer to pay participants for their involvement in the documentary (should the film receive some sort of award or grant I would be happy to share though after expenses), but what I can offer is a chance for you to tell your stories and for you to play a part in the validation and acceptance of LGBT lifestyles. Very little exposure of poly relationships have been made to both mainstream academia and society at large so you would be a significant contributor to that being changed.

Robinson is based in Ann Arbor, Michigan, so he is looking for poly couples in/around the midwest. He may be able to travel up to 300 miles from his home depending on university grant approval. Robinson hopes to begin filming near the end of October, and wrap up the project by early December in order to submit the film to the Lightworks student film festival at the University of Michigan.

If you are interested in participating in Robinson's documentary, email him at dieselSPE [at] gmail [dot] com to set up an initial iChat or Skype call.

You can read/see more of Robinson at his production blog.