Category: Polyamory

Polyamory’s woman-friendly beginnings

An article on Slate makes the distinction between polyamory and extreme forms of polygamy by noting the "surprisingly woman-friendly" origins of modern polyamory.

Author Libby Copeland traces polyamory's roots to the Victorian era, when some women began expressing discontentment with monogamy and traditional gender roles. The piece then discusses a commune in New York where 300 people practiced what they called "complex marriage" from the 1840s through the 1870s. Next came bohemians, beatniks, and hippies who fought back against conventional marriage, and fringe groups in the 1970s which practiced group marriages.

Then there was the 1990s through today:

During the '90s, the Internet sparked a third wave of polyamory, after AIDS had driven it underground during the '80s. A Usenet newsgroup called alt.polyamory helped build a community, and a woman calling herself Morning Glory Zell, member of a "neo-Pagan" organization called the Church of All Worlds, helped popularize the term in an article called "A Bouquet of Lovers." In more recent years, polyamory has mainstreamed somewhat, becoming fodder for features in Newsweek and on ABC's Nightline. MTV did a True Life documentary on polyamorous young people, books like The Ethical Slut explored the topic, and Dan Savage continues to champion non-monogamy.

. . . Women are in many ways the driving force behind polyamory as a movement these days, having been integral in founding its organizations and documenting its history . . . the first books on the movement were written by women . . . a sizable number of polyamorous households consist of more men than women, the opposite of how polygamy typically expresses itself.

Read the rest on Slate.

How to tackle common arguments

Have you ever wished you had a more articulate response to ill-informed arguments about non-monogamy? Bobbu of UK poly blog Polytical wrote a great post about the responses he has formulated over the years for the following arguments:

  • "It's just an excuse for sleeping around"
  • "You're young, it's just a phase"
  • "Don't you ever think you'll ever settle down?"
  • "It's not natural"
  • "It's not normal"
  • "You can only love one person"

For example, in response to the "It's not normal" argument, Bobbu writes:

The person who puts this argument forward is likely to have no actual idea of what “normal” is. Philosophy has a whole field dedicated to trying to figure out what it is, and what kind of effect it has in the world. In the thousands of years of trying to get a clear picture, we’ve had very little luck.

This is mostly because people change so much, and their cultures along with them. Once upon a time slavery was normal; at another time worshipping multiple deities; at another it was perfectly fine to kill someone for stealing some bread. So if you’re going to try to argue that I shouldn’t do something because it’s not normal right now, it’s probably best you take a step back and look at the sort of precedents you’ve got there.

Check out the full post on Polytical.

Study finds unfaithful individuals less likely to practice safer sex than non-monogamous individuals

A study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, entitled "Unfaithful Individuals are Less Likely to Practice Safer Sex Than Openly Nonmonogamous Individuals," has determined just that. Researchers Terri D. Conley, Amy C. Moors, Ali Ziegler, and Constantina Karathanasis undertook the study in order to determine whether sexually unfaithful individuals or negotiated non-monogamous individuals would be more likely utilize safer sex methods. In their introduction, they state:

Given the prevalence and harm of sexually transmitted infections (STIs), there is a need to examine safer sex strategies in the context of romantic relationships and extradyadic sexual encounters . . . little research has addressed the sexual health ramifications of sexually unfaithful partners and members of other high-risk nonmonogamous lifestyles.

Researchers gave an anonymous, online sexual health questionnaire to several hundred sexually unfaithful individuals and individuals with a negotiated non-monogamous agreement. In the end, sexually unfaithful participants demonstrated significantly lower rates of risk reduction behaviors in both their primary relationships and their extradyadic sexual experiences. They were also less likely to undergo frequent STI testing and to discuss safer sex concerns with new partners.

Unfortunately, access to the study is restricted to those with institutional access, a society membership, or those who wish to pay for a 24-hour period of access, but the abstract can be found online.

“Strange arrangements” on 20/20

Despite its ominous title of "The New Sex: Strange Arrangements," last Friday's episode of 20/20 included a pretty reasonable 7-minute segment on a poly network. One of the interviewees was Sierra Black, a woman who has written several wonderful articles about parenting in an open marriage, for sites such as Salon and Babble.

You can watch the episode on ABC's site or on Hulu, and ABC's article about the open relationship segment is a fairly direct reflection of the segment.

The interviewees do a great job of dispelling the myths that are thrown at them, like that they're committing adultery and must have jealousy issues. And although the interviewer, Elizabeth Vargas, calls their open relationship a "marital merry-go-round" that's "a tad kooky," the tone of the segment is not especially judgmental -- and generally allows the folks speak for themselves. Especially touching was the moment when Vargas spoke to one of Sierra's daughters:

You might think Sierra and Martin's daughters think their parents' arrangement is unusual, but when "20/20" anchor Elizabeth Vargas asked their daughter, Rio, if she thought her family was different from other families, she replied, "Not really."

Rio's definition of an open marriage was fairly precise, for a 7-year-old: "Your parent or one of your parents is dating a different person that's not part of your family," she said.

Black was content with the outcome of the interview, writing on her blog:

I did this because I wanted to give mainstream America a peek at a healthy, happy, thriving circle of poly families. It's my hope that we’ve done just that, and that this is a step toward a future where news shows won't want to do segments on how "kooky" polyamory is, because it's just a thing some people do. I am fairly confident positive portrayals on TV can make a difference, and I'm grateful to ABC for their approach in this one.