Category: Non-monogamy

Reflections on dating a couple

Women's entertainment and lifestyle website The Frisky recently featured a frank post from Chloe Monroe about how "remarkably ordinary" it was to be in a triad. Entitled "First Time for Everything: Dating a Couple," the post is a retelling of Monroe's relationship with a couple, which she fell into when she met a man (Greg) who happened to be polyamorous -- and had a girlfriend (Jen).

I decided I could try and we had our first date as a threesome that week. We cooked together at Greg's house, making jokes and giving each other back rubs. We watched "Harold and Maude." Jen wore a beautiful dress and we compared our fashion sensibilities. Greg grilled ribs and let us talk alone quite a bit. That night, well fed and relaxed, I felt very happy and slowly it dawned on me.

This felt so normal. So right. So... not deviant at all.

I suppose the feeling of familiarity and normalcy that washed over me that night would have seemed strange to an outsider. I know that it seemed so to me at the time. How could something as radical as dating a couple be such a non-issue? Honestly, it felt very similar to the beginning of many of my heterosexual, monogamous relationships.

Monroe also writes about the automatic sensation of shame she experienced the first time Jen walked in on her and Greg in bed together. Her fears were assuaged when Jen simply asked if she could join them.

Although the triad broke up after three months, Monroe ends her piece by endorsing her polyamorous experience.

I have no regrets about exploring polyamory. I loved the feeling of being with two people who cared about me and knew that I cared about them. In the end, it came down to incompatibility and circumstances, just like every other failed relationship. The fact that we were a triple had nothing to do with it.

In the future, I hope to find a partner (or partners) who will remain with me for life. Having the option of dating both men and women (and occasionally couples!) has opened up a whole new dating universe for me and I am thrilled to explore it.

Media blitz for Jaiya Ma and family includes interview with Anderson Cooper

Sex expert and author Jaiya Ma, along with her partners Ian and Jon, have been taking the media by storm recently. First, they were profiled in a lengthy piece in Details magazine about MFM poly families. The article has a strange tone and makes some assumptions, but is ultimately accepting of polyamory:

it's hard to see the harm in egalitarian, secular arrangements like Jon, Jaiya, and Ian's . . . if plural marriage is ever to gain broad acceptance, it won't be because of Mormon fundamentalists. It will be because of people like Ian, Jon, and Jaiya -- affluent, educated city dwellers in mutually respectful relationships.

Jaiya wrote about the coverage on her blog, and Alan at Poly in the Media contacted some of the other people who were featured to see if they felt the piece was fair.

Then, Jaiya, Jon, and Ian were interviewed on Anderson Cooper's daytime talk show. The show included a little video montage of their home life, followed by questions from Cooper and the audience. Several clips of the show were posted on Anderson Cooper's blog. Check them out:

Advice on accepting your partner’s new partner

Mistress Matisse, a columnist on kink and poly relationships for Seattle's The Stranger, has some useful advice about dealing with your partner's other partners (POPs) -- especially if they're not your cup of tea. Besides honest communication and "no bad-mouthing," she explains her personal approach:

I do have a strategy around preventing negative feelings from happening in the first place: not too much, not too soon. Yes, it's nice to meet the people your partner is dating. But some polyamory literature strongly suggests spending lots of quality time with your POPs, on the theory that it makes them less emotionally threatening. Phrases like "poly family" -- a Charles Manson-ish term I detest -- are tossed around, implying everyone should want to all hang out together. One gets the impression that poly people are damn-near obligated to welcome new POPs by love-bombing them like a Moonies recruit. I disagree.

. . . Once I'm used to the fact of the new POP, then I get to know him/her just as I would anyone else: slowly, organically, without any assumptions of intimacy. I think feeling that one must immediately like the new person as much as one's partner does is what breeds resentment and then dislike.

Read the rest of the column here.

 

An interview with Sadie Smythe

You can't go wrong when it comes to Sadie Smythe, author and blogger at Sadie's Open Marriage. So, this recent interview with her is definitely worth reading. Her response to the inevitable question about jealousy is especially great. Smythe says:

. . . I've been called a proponent for open relationships, but I’m really a proponent of designing the relationship of your choice -- making the relationship look the way you want it to look, not the way others expect it to.

What about jealousy? In terms of being confronted with who you are, one of the biggest components you have to deal with is the jealously factor. In the traditional monogamous marriage jealousy occurs -- he's looking at the waitress, flirting with a friend — and you feel these feelings, and it's almost expected. But when you are in an open relationship, and there's actually a person to be jealous of, it forces you to go inward in a way you wouldn't otherwise. What is jealousy? It is fear turned in on itself. What do I fear? I fear losing him? But the reality is that I could lose him anyway.

. . . What have you learned? When you start talking to your husband or wife about sex and about what you really want -- providing both you are being accepting of that information and not judging it -- it can be really powerful . . . I think everyone should make their relationship what they want it to be. Design it to their own specifications.

Read the rest here.